One question I ask myself always, – who pastors the pastor?
Sometimes I feel I should have never been created. Life and love have never been fair to me, and this is where I say goodbye to my life. If only I could turn back the hand of time, open a fresh page and write my life with a pencil with eraser on top of it.
I sat down on my couch; stared at the DDT bottle, thinking hard… death gotta be easy cos life is hard. I have made terrible mistakes in my life and my decision making. My biggest mistake was my reason for serving God. No no no, my biggest mistake was not being bold enough. No, it was falling in love. Well i guess every mistake is BIG and what I am about to do today, i wonder if it will be the BIGGEST mistake or the best choice I had ever made in my life. Today everything ends.
My name is Bishop Kwabena Antwi, the Bishop of Takoradi diocese of the Catholic Church. I mean the former bishop of the diocese. I was made to resign last week Friday because of my act. I wont blame the devil this time, i wont blame the church rules, I will blame myself, my decision. As they judge me, I am expecting you too to judge me, but before you do, this is my story.
I loved a girl, no no no that is not how it started. All I wanted was to be loved and I have been accused for taking love for granted. Sake of this subject LOVE, i became a mockery in the eyes of the world. I enjoyed my freedom of life until I fell in love with a girl at the age of eight. I was young then but I did go through the fun and the pain of being in love. I was happy when I was with her alone and became jealous when she played with other male friends. She was seven then. I am not sure if she felt the same way as how I felt about her and our relationship ended when she moved with her family from our neighbourhood. I was nine and a half then. That was when I experienced my first heart break. I remember at that tender age, I couldn’t concentrate on my books, wasn’t eating well, became timid and my parents did not understand the changes that occurred in my life at that time and later related it to ‘growing up into the adolescent world’. If they knew the pain i was going through because my first ‘girlfriend’ had ‘broken’ with me they would have understood that as blood run through their veins so does it run through mine.
At that tender age that is how my love life began. I lived through it, atleast i survived and made it to the University, KNUST to be specific. And this was where my troubles began. Her name was Rachelle we became friends on the very first day we got to the land of KNUST. (the details are not nessary abi??). She was more of a family than a friend. We were so close that i knew her “days of the month” date and she knew the days i had wet dreams. We talked about everything and anything. I loved her genuinely and even as i am about to commit suicide I still love her. My feelings for her has never changed.
One Mark Twain said, “Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired” . I thought he was being silly for writing that in his book when I read it. i completed secondary school by then and I should have taken my time to understand it.
I looked at my cassock hanging on my door, I guess this is the last time i will be seeing it. …..
“what was wrong with you?” I remember one of the 12 bishops at the disciplinary committee asked me as soon as I was called before them. “how could you possible do that? were you out of your mind?” he continued. I looked at them and I prayed for them (in my head). No man would ever understand, I can’t understand it myself. Only the good Lord would understand.
I remember the exact words that I said when I was seated before them, “i am very sorry for the disgrace i have brought to the church and myself. My heart cries within, my soul is troubled and I don’t know if what i did is right or wrong. I am so so sorry Mr. Macquayson. My good friend, hope you will understand”… After my statement, the judgement, the insults and all the words that came from their mouth, non I heard.
I turned off my radio. Today will be the last time I am hearing my name on the radio. I have been the radio discussion for one month, I did not really care, but for what I was worried about was if my best friend Macquayson will find a slot in his heart to forgive us.
Rachelle and I were so close as I mentioned earlier on. Deep within I knew I loved her and she was the only one i ever loved. I knew she loved me too, actually she loves me. I wasn’t sure then if she would have agreed to my proposal, because I thought she saw me as her brother. We were so ‘fine’ and ‘cool’. Everything was so great between us till a third person was introduced in our friendship.
Macquayson was brillient in class, he smart and very funny. Rachelle and I went to him with academic stuff. It continued for a while and later he was part of team – the Trio. Myself, Rachelle and Mac as we simply called him. He was very funny and he made jokes out of everything. He used to tease us as Mr. & Mrs. Antwi. I was so shy at the thought of it and Rachelle would quickly shut him up.
It was like that, the trio. It was a saturday morning, November 27 2000 8:57am. I had finished washing. I heard a soft knock on my door. I knew it was a female and i quickly straightened up the little mess my roomates have created in the room before I responded to the knock. It was Rachelle, i skipped a heart beat. “I will tell her what I feel about her today” i told myself. My roommates had gone to play soccer as their saturday routine. I was alone in the room.
She looked ‘some way’. A way I can’t described now, the memory just give me much pain. She smiled and sat on a chair. That was very unusual, she always sat on my bed.
“you look lovely today” i said
“Thank you” she responded
“Kobby I …. Rachelle I….”
“You go first” she said
“No no no, ladies first so you go first” I replied.
“ok Kobby, I am going out now” she said shifting her eyes from mine.
What!! i wanted to scream but I said softly… wow that’s great news with who?
“With Mac, he proposed to me yesterday evening and….
“I am happy for you two, that’s great” I cut her words, tears filled my eyes “eeh Mr. & Mrs. Macquayson” I joked
“are you ok with it? If you don’t like the idea, you can tell me and I will break up with him right now”
Wait!! I just realized today of all days that she really gave me a second chance. I lied to her that I was happy for the two of them. MY TWO BEST FRIENDS are going out and one of them is the woman I love.
she rose form the chair, walked to me and gave me a hug i will never forget. We stared into our eyes, mine filled with tears, hers filled with joy or something else. Our heads moved closer and i heard the footsteps and the noise from my roommates, they were returning from the football field.
On the Sunday 28th November 2000, I decided not to love any girl again in my life. I sworn to God I will be a catholic priest to stay off marriage. The decision kept me alive. No woman, only God. My reason for serving God, – A woman!
Our friendship still continued, the trio but it was more of two now than three. Rachelle visits to me reduced as she spent more time with her boyfriend, Mac. I was not jealous, I was not angry at her or Macquayson, I was angry at myself. Rachelle gave me much time to tell her how I felt for her. she showed me all the ‘signals’ and I was too coward to say it. She thought I will never have the courage to tell her I loved her. She was right, a courage i never had, a courage Mac took advantage of. I was more alone now. I showed maturity, pretending to be very ok when the two were around me.
We completed school in June 2001. I enrolled in the Seminary school. Macquayson and Rachelle travelled to the United States to continue with their education. I never heard from them again. It was better that way, at least i could concentrate on my course.
It was four years since i last saw my two buddies. It was over now I thought, but my troubles started again when I recieved a phone call from USA, it was Rachelle.
“Hey Kobby, how I miss you, I have missed you like alewa” my heart beat increased as I talked to that familliar voice again. It was so nice to hear her voice but it hurt too much…. bringing back memories. We talked about both important and the unimportant issues in our lives. It was just like the old days. She knew I was now a Roman Catholic Priest. She teased me about it and I faked laughter about it. If she only knew who changed my path… I know God calls into His ministry but the mode of calling I am not sure. Maybe mine was through Rachelle or i just ran away from my fears. There is a saying that he who runs from a fight lives to fight another day. This call started a new battle. We talked for almost 3 hours then she dropped the bomb.
“Kobby or should I say father Kobby, Mac and I are getting married next month” she said. Like a volcanic eruption, my heart missed a beat.
“we are coming to Ghana at the end of the week and we want you to bless the marriage” she continued, I fainted… hello.. hello.. hello are you there, hello… hello from her voice woke me up from my 123 secs unconsciousness.
“WHAT!!” this time I screamed, “you want me to do what!?”
“It is something we have really thought about and we will be very very happy if our dear friend blesses our marriage” she continued.
What in God’s name was she trying to do? How was I going to bless the marriage of a girl I seriously love, I mean loved? No way was I going to do. I was able to stand the pain when she left me for my best friend but I doubted if I could stand the pain anymore. I convinced her with lots of excuses that I wasn’t the right person for that, but she wasn’t ready to listen. She was too strong with her voice, I was too weak to hear her voice – I agreed with her.
hmmmmm looking at the DDT bottle in my hand, the instructions read ‘DDT is s toxic to a wide range of animals in addition to insects, including marine animals such as blah , blah… Keep reach out of children (but desperate bishop can drink it for a quick death). My mind read the later part.
They arrived safely in the country. They had a month to prepare for the wedding. My two best friends were getting married and I was the officiating minister, the lady is the only woman I ever loved. Why didn’t they marry overseas and stay there forever? A question that crossed my mind anytime I was alone. They had to pass through the counselling section and they came to my office to be counselled every Monday and Wednesday. It was all fun, just like the old days. I knew them so they was nothing much to really discussed. The counselling section turned to old school reunion; we mostly talked about our lives than marriage.
They came together initially, but due to their busy schedule, they started coming individually. Mac would normally come in the morning around 8am, do an hour with me and leave for his business. Rachelle would come later in the day mostly at 4pm and do like 2 or 3 hours with me. I did a good counselling with Mac. I lectured him about the pros and cons of marriage and the need to support each other till death did them apart. I was exicited within me when Mac confessed to me that, after many years of dating Rachelle, they’d never had sex and Rachelle was still a virgin. It was difficult counselling Rachelle, mostly she would talk and I will just look into the temptress eye and listen, not really saying much to her. She gave me a mix feeling anytime she entered my office gorgeously dressed.
I enjoyed the time I spent with Rachelle at my office. It became a routine; I cancelled all my appointment at 4pm and waited patiently everyday for her to come. When she missed a section, that day was my horrible day ever. I loved the moments with her, talking about us, her, Mac, God and marriage. She would smile, brush my hand with hers. I do remember one of the counselling section, after we had talked for hours about nothing, I saw her off to her car. Just when I was about to open the door for her, she came over to me and gave me a big hug. The 53 seconds hug was like 1000 years hug. I felt the bulge in my pants. Rachelle noticed and gave me a peck on the cheek and smiled to her seat… she was gone, i was standing looking at her tail light… What a woman, i could hear my heart saying it.
The D-day came, in a few hours Rachelle’s name would be Rachelle Macquayson. I felt sick in the morning. I wasn’t ready for this. The sickness was so strong, the kind of sickness no doctor could prescribe. “I can not let Rachelle marry”. I kept telling myself. “I love you Rachelle and I should have told you long time ago” I took one of her few pictures I had and told her there.
Instead of the groom waiting for the bride, it was the groom and bride waiting for the priest to bless their wedding. I went to the church very late and much disoriented. I couldn’t look at them as the sat down before me. The anniversary was great, the problem was with me. My preaching was off the hook, (i won’t give the details – it is embarrasing to remember) the other Reverend ministers present looked on as they wondered what was wrong with me. I paused at the exchange of vows, looked at Rachelle and walked off the pulpit as tears rolled down my eyes. I was… gosh, i don’t want to remember.
Another Minister continued the service for me. I went to my office. Rachelle has caused me pain and embarrassment and the worse was to come.
I sat down at my table trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It was so peaceful there, thinking hard and alone. The office was close to the church building. Then a soft knock , a knock I so remember some years back. I panicked; Rachelle should be at the reception not at my office. I opened the door and she stood there, so beautiful in her white gown. She walked in, a bit disturbed.
“why are you here? you should be with us at the reception?” Rachelle asked
I faked a smile, “I rushed in here you know, I had a stomach upset and …”
“don’t lie Kobby, i mean bishop, for you are not a good lier. You cried in there and I saw it. Tell me what is wrong with you”..
“Rachelle, you won’t understand, it is very complicated” I said to her
“Try me Kobby, and make it simple because you will finish before we all go for the reception, I need you there, Mac needs you there” with that voice again it was difficult not to tell the truth.
“Rachelle, I loved you, I love you, ever since we met at the university, you have been the only woman I have ever loved. My decision to be a priest was the fact that I did not get the chance to go out with you or marry you. I couldn’t compete with my best friend too knowing that you two were happy together and ….”
“I am happy with Mac, but I would have been happier with you” she said as she walked to me. She place her lips on mine and the next thing we knew, my cassock was on the floor, her gown was on the floor. We were both naked and BANG!! Mac stood at the door way
“Kobby? Rachelle?” Mac said surprised as he fainted on the floor.
Within minuites my office door was like a stadium. The media was there and to this day and the years to come, nobody will understand except the one reading this piece. I took a good look at my cassock hanging on my door and placed the whole bottle on my mouth…
(c) Derrick Ofori Donkor – 26 sept 11
All rights reserved.
MY STORY MODE 