I AM A WOMAN, YOU DON’T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND ME, JUST LOVE ME!!

Who is a woman?

“A woman is the most annoying creature that came in the diary of God”. PS 

It seems that the actions of women contradict with their words. Men love women, yet we can’t live with or without them. Their inclusion in creation has always been with a big question that men ask God, WHY? Their annoyance starts early in life when you have a sister, worse when you have sisters. Upon all the research carried out by men to understand women, it seems there is no way we are breaking through now or sooner. The task looks impossible if you ask me. We can never understand women. Is their inclusion in creation a curse or a blessing? The sensitive ones think it’s a curse since the fall of man through EVE, but upon many debates carried out, greater percentage of their existence is believed to be a blessing.

I met a married friend of mine at Lapaz around 1am one Saturday, he looked frail, worried, and disoriented. He was thinner than the last time I saw him. He looked OK but a bit sick. His appearance got me worried. He seemed lost and searching. I approached him and asked what he was doing out in the middle of the night. His first answer was his wife was pregnant. He answered with a deep breath and a sigh. Before I could connect his answer to my question, he continued, “she says she wants kelewele at this time of the night”. I understood his body state but I couldn’t stop laughing. I helped him search for a kelewele joint, and just when we had finished buying, his wife called him to tell him that she didn’t not want the kelewele anymore but goat -soup. Goat soup in the middle of the night? where on earth were we going to get that? Then I heard my friend explode on the phone, “You want your m#$%!!!” He turned to me when he was done with the little fight on the cell phone, placed his hand on my shoulder and looked straight into my eyes, and exclaimed “my friend, don’t ever marry!”.

Scene 1:

Man: Hi honey,

Woman: Hi. (man glued to Tv. After 5 mins) won’t you ask me how my day was? (turning off the tv)

Man: Yes love, how was your day?

Woman: I had a tough day,  at school today . (expression of anger and tiredness) and on the way, this stupid taxi driver tried to get on my nerves.

Man: Aww sorry baby, why what did the driver do?

Woman: I don’t know why they permit silly drivers to drive on the streets, “Abofusem”. His wretched car too and he wants to display his ignorance for the whole world to see.

Man: Erh, honey, what did he do exactly?

Woman: will you shut up and let me talk?! you see the problem, you don’t listen when I talk! that is the problem with you all men. You all are the same.

Man: you see why I don’t ask how your day was? We always end up fighting.

 Woman: Why can’t you just let us be sad and just listen to our cries? must it always be that difficult?

Man: *#*$&((@*&$**(@*&$&**((!)@(*$*(@($*(

Scene 2:

Woman: Hun, I think we overspend, we should try and minimize our budget. We don’t need an expensive wedding, let’s do court and all will be fine. I don’t like the public attention wedding thing.

Man: Woman, you are the wisest woman on earth. I so Love your simplicity.

(After 2 weeks): Woman: Hi Hun, I saw this gown and it’s so nice, you see it looks like the one Beyonce used for her dinner party, I want to use that one for our wedding.

Man: OK, But I thought you liked ordinance marriage, just go and sign, that is all.

Woman: Yea but all I am asking for is a gown. Is that difficult for you to get?

Man: no Hun

(After a week): Hun I saw this site and the wedding invitation is very nice and their price is cool.

Man: Hold on woman, I thought we agreed on the court signing only?!

Woman: Yeah but the invitation cards are so nice, and your family has lots of people so we should think of invitation cards, you know. and the cake I talked to my friend about it and she said she will give us a cool price. And one more thing I want the reception at Golden Tulip Hotel.

Man: What!@#$*$*%&(#(#**$&%(($*

Scene 3: 

Woman: I have tried to keep up with your friends but you seem not to know any of my friends. You can remember all footballers names in the world and you can’t even remember the name of even one of my friends.

Man: Is that a problem?

Woman: Yes, when my friends come to the house you just leave us and all you say is Hi and you appear when they have left. Meanwhile I follow you to all your activities with your friends, even your old school meetings.

(After 2 weeks): Woman: Why does Jennifer, my best friend, keep whatsapping you almost everyday?

Man: Ama your best friend is really a wonderful person and I like her company.

Woman: You what!? eei God, come help me ooo. I introduced my friend to you and you are trying to get her into bed right?

Man: what are you talking about woman? you were the one who complained about me ignoring your friends.

Woman: Yeah but I did not tell you to be texting each other, and calling, I wanted them to be your friends not your texting mate. Please stay away from my friends.

Man: #(**$^@^(^#^(@#&$^%*

When women say “nothing” is wrong, it means everything is so completely wrong that men don’t even have enough hours in this lifetime to adequately express how wrong everything is. You make the bed, you are a good man, but if you make the bed without the proper bed sheets and pillows, you have failed as a man. You go out to buy her stuffs every day, you are an ordinary man. If you go out to buy her something in a rain for just a day, you are a hero. Don’t watch the tv when she is complaining, don’t sleep through her talks. If you do that, you are dead. Never mention your ex girlfriend’s name accidentally, intentionally or any other “lly”. You might lose the love of your life.

Women are precious, their existence in the world make the world a beautiful place to be in. You don’t have to understand them, just love them and they will understand you.

(watch the video from the guy moment

(c) Derrick Ofori Donkor – 15st March 2014

All rights reserved…

CHURCH DATING – HOW CRAZY IS IT?

I talked about CHURCH ROMANCE like 3 years ago and as I promised you my dear readers, today i am going to talk about CHURCH DATING.

Please images and faces depicted are fictitious and similarities to actual persons living or dead or to actual event or occurrence is purely coincidental…

Most people who witnessed the events “filli filli” in church romance, including myself are either married, divorced or still single, most are also searching to change their single statuses. And all these are happening within the boundaries of the church. I am talking about living in the Christendom country.

But “Chaley”, cha dating no be easy koraa for the church inside ooo, Kw3″. I remember when I was invited by a lady friend to one of the single conferences organised by one of the churches, I was shocked when I got to the venue of the conference, I thought the number of singles in the church were countable, but the congregation at the conference changed my opinion about that. (Herh Nipa paaa). Then I realized the churches mostly don’t have sermon plan for the singles and are basically not doing anything to ‘help’ the desperate young adults in the church who want to move from single. There were lots of ladies at the program than the guys, more single ladies I guessed but it supposed to be like that since the gender ratio has more women than men. I believed most people present were interested in a “miracle” of fixing partners and not what the pastor was presenting to us on how to choose a life partner.

This actually reminded me of Joke told about how people especially young girls, pray when there are asked at these conferences to pray about the future partners. The intensity of the prayers depend on the age range of the one praying. At 18 years, the prayer goes like “God, you know I am young and not ready to mingle, right now all I need is a favor for a rich man to dash me a car, iPhone 5s, monthly money and take me to the malls often, so that I may not be led into temptation of getting myself a sugar daddy to get these things”.

At age 25 – “God, You have being good to me, now I am growing into a beautiful woman you want me to be. Lord I know I have rushed into so many decision which has made guys take advantage of me, Lord all I pray for now is a rich man who really knows how to take care of a woman, I really mean A rich man, well built and handsome, even if he is rich and not so handsome, its ok preferably a politician or a… God you know what i mean now”.

Age 30 – “God, why have you distanced Yourself from me, see how beautiful I look, yet no guy has being bold to come forward. Look at Adwoa koraa, she with lots of pimples on her face is married with 2 kids. God, turn your face on me, let men come my way too God. I am tired of being taking for a ride, I want to be Mrs too. God WHY!?

At 35 which I normally term it as the ‘give up point’ (don’t give up ladies at this point, believe in God). – “God, Why? God please give me man now now now, God I don’t care if he is broke, ugly, short like “Aki na popo”, I don’t care. Man na Man God, Man na man”

Let’s get back to business, back to my dating a church girl. I had been single for too long, yet here are almost all the single ladies here, in the church. I needed to act fast, I had gone through series of prayers and fasting myself but not as much as the single ladies in the church have.

Dating a church girl needs preparations, strategies, and planning. It is different from dating a “non church” person. With a “non-church” dating, you can be careless, and you are not really questioned for your actions, but with the church dating, if you get problems in relationships, you do not only answer to your partner but to the church as a whole since the principle of “being your brother’s keeper” comes into play. Should the relationship break up, it becomes worse since one has to hide from the church or stop the church to avoid “the sinner’s prayer”.

You need intensive planning because you are  not just the single person in the church, basically the church has become a house that accommodates the singles (statement not based on fact). You need strategic planning because you are competing with pastors who are single, choir masters, the prayer ‘papas’, heads of organisations in the church, etc.

My plan, strategy was to join the prayer papas and do the walking ‘tongues‘ on the street for the ‘sisters’ in Christ to see me as a potential future partner. I put on my “chrife” wear and approached one single ‘sisters’. She was Pentecostal and mostly seen in her scarf (duku) with some light ‘powder’ on her face. Her lips were mostly wet shinning not from lipsticks but pomade i.e. Vaseline (which I suspected). She was the word “chrife lady”, always dressed up to the feet, all covered up, and very principled. Principled I mean knowing her limits with guys. For 4 weeks in the relationship, I had never held her hands, and mostly stood a distance of some meters to talk to each other, not to mention of a hug, forget about kiss. This was our dating life, because (1) I was a part of the prayer team, (2) she was part of the singing group, (3) she was Pentecostal and finally the church should not know that we were dating. I remember the first time we hugged, we stood some distance apart and making sure that our lower part of the body were far apart, really far apart. That was when the Church got to know that we probably liked each other. It was difficult for me at the initial stages, since we had to hide our love life from the public (church). Now we decided to nail it, go to the altar and present ourselves to God. I proposed, she greatly accepted. we had to start counselling, the counselling team more than FBI inquired about my status in the society, and since I was an unemployed graduate with one single room and no sauce pan, that was the end of our hidden love life.

As I mentioned earlier about the difficulties in church dating, I had to leave the church and find another church, because the “brother’s keeper thing” was more of gossip than I expected. I went to a charismatic church and again I had to devise a new plan. The prayer papa thing was not really a good strategy  in the charismatic church. The prayer papas here were perceived to be boring and probably will not be also active in a marital home especially concerning sex life. The single ladies here wanted more of a dynamic, energetic person than a slow, ‘boring’ type. The best place to be was the choir then. I used my God given talent to push my way up to become the music director of the choir. When I mounted the stage to lead a worship song, It was more of a love song for the single ladies than of worship song to God. (It was a strategy). The girls here were all over me now, even those who were not single. Here it was a different environment, more casual than the Pentecostals. Hugging was normal and fun, O my God how I loved to worship here. Imagine everyday after rehearsal or service you get a good warmth hug from at least 15 ladies? Some hugs may stay in your memories forever. I sometimes forgot that I was single. I picked the one I wanted to marry. She was so nice, very beautiful, had the best voice I have ever heard. She was so sexy and her dressing could just kill, tight, revealing, appealing, with lots of makeups to match. She was classy, we started dating and the church called us ‘beloved’. We made our intentions to the church, and the counselling committee were so eager for our union in Christ before my beloved led me to the forbidden temptation by her teasing appearances. She was so nice initially, then I started seeing her with different material things, and always on phone with other competing guys, she always had in her possession of latest phones, tablets, and surprisingly they were given to her as gifts from competitors. A competition I was bound to lose since I could not even afford to take her to most of her favorite restaurants in town.  I couldn’t keep up with her budget and was always running short like Ghana government. I just had to close the curtains and bow out. A decision which was difficult to make.

I had to change church again. I went to orthodox, the feeling here was also different, a mixture of both, the youth trying to be charismatic and the adults trying to shut them up and let them be in methodological way the ancestors and founders of the church had laid down. The singles here were not really plenty like the Pentecostals and the charismatics, and competition here was not a problem. You could be anyone or no one and still find a life partner. The problem here was that the gentlemen were not pursuing the ladies and there were not stepping up. This pushed most of the singles ladies to have secret relationships with the married ones. I found one beautiful usher. This was it, I did not HAVE to be someone ‘important’. We had start dating, and our dating become like that of marriage one except we were not having sex. She would come to my house cook, clean, and wash all my stuff, playing the role of a wife than a girlfriend. We met the church and had to go for a long session of counselling. We fixed a date to marry then, all of a sudden, out of no where she just called it off, with no reason. I later found out that the senior choir master who was married with kids of her age, was having an affair with her and has bent on hell not to let her marry but continue to have that silly affair with her in the church.

Now I had to move on again, I am in a new church, a “dankabah” (spiritual) church, I am yet to meet the one and finally settle. If it fails here, I will go ‘MDCC’. Hopefully it will be soon and I will complete my church dating and my story.

(c) Derrick Ofori Donkor – 1st March 2014

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